I have a problem.
Ok. I have many problems. I know, but right now, I have this one in particular.
I know that following on from my previous post, this might come across as a little hypocritical which is why I’m naming it ‘part two’.
I mentioned that I was happily single, and that is absolutely true! I also said that I’m not going to stop myself from looking for my player two, the Doctor to my River, the Rory to my Amy. It has to be said though, that this is a fairly recent turn-around.
There was a time, that I allowed fear to stop me from finding that. What happens when you find that person who ticks all the boxes? They’re funny, they understand and share your twisted sense of humour, they get your passions and share your geeky side.. yeah. . they’re perfect. There’s just one little thing. You’re a coward. No not you. Me.
I had a date with that guy. The guy who was all that and more, it was the picture-perfect date. My first date.
I’ll go off tangent here for a moment, and tell you that I have a stupid brain. Not your everyday stupid either! It proceeded to lay out, in detail, the next few years of my life with this perfect guy in the picture, I could see happiness, I could see… every place where I could, and would stuff up.
Like I said. I have a stupid head.
I had no experience with dating. No experience with a guy showing me any type of attention , and I stuffed it.
This brings me to the crux of this post. I know that he reads these, and I wanted to apologise to him. I may have given him the impression that I found him lacking in some way, when that is so far from the truth that I can’t even think of an apt analogy. The whole fault was mine. The fear and insecurity that I allowed to ruin any chance, were all mine.
I regret that utterly.
If you are reading this and you find yourself facing a situation that scares you to your inner core, let me be the mistake you learn from. Take that chance that’s dangling in front of your eyes, because you might not ever get that shot again.
Fear is always going to be there. Poking a bony finger at your faults, telling you you’re not good enough, that it will only be temporary, that you’re not good enough. I’m not saying you’ll get it perfect every time. It’s normal to fail at things, but at the risk of sounding like the clichéd card you always get from acquaintances. If you don’t try, you’ve already lost.
I have a problem.